I am a very smiley person. And my smile is 100% truthful. Most of the time I am in a good mood. Hardly the bad mood takes me over. Even with my ups and downs with frustration, anxiety and anger, even with my bad days. But every now and then I am washed by this deep sadness. My smile vanishes, my bad mood is in command, my eyes become heavy, my heart weeps. I feel deadlock inside me. It is bitter, never sweet; it is acid, never alkaline; it is ugly, never pretty. No Belgian chocolate will make it better, no meditation will take care of it, because when my sadness comes up it wants to be heard, felt, experienced, not overlooked, not swept under the rug, not fixed by magic. Because although I am in general and genuine way a happy person, sadness is equally a part of me. A part that I hardly invite to a party or to stay in, but a part that even when it is not present in my façade it is here with me, deep inside. It makes me who I am too. It makes me appreciate happiness and my good moments and mood.
This sadness in me is for everything that happened and upset me, for undealt things that I am yet to brave, for things that I see and I am unable to change, for things that I am not even aware I am sad about, for me not being me… And there are a lot of those things around… inside… that maybe I should welcome more often, face it, embrace it and let it be… This sadness in me.
Fab After 47 