Lately I have been this melodramatic self. Down. Sad. Lost. But this is OK, because if I have to go through all of this, embrace the bad and the ugly in me and in my life to move on and get better, so be it. I am all for it. And one of those things that keep pushing me down and holding me is this terrible feeling that every time I realize I am not the absolute best in whatever I am doing, that I am not praised or admired for it, bang!, I feel just like this quote from Smells Like Teen Spirit (a Nirvana song) above. To be fair, the actual quote is this:
I’m worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed.
That quote represents so well that feeling… my perfectionist self in full mode on. And no, I do not feel blessed for that gift at all.
Au contraire. I feel bad, sad, cursed, unworthy, stupid, angry, disappointed, shameful, frustrated, average. And woman, how I hate to feel average! Average for me equals worst. Go figure.
I know, I demand too much of myself. It is impossible to accomplish the absolute best in every single thing. My rational self knows that, but still, deep inside, I keep on expecting the very best from me. This is the only enough thing for my perfectionist self.
My latest “feeling worst for what I do best” was when my Italian teacher told me my pronunciation was getting better but somehow it has some French intonation that is keeping me from speaking it as I should, like an Italian would. She never had told me that before. I felt devastated. What? I should be speaking perfect Italian, even better than the Italians by now. How come? Yeah, I know I am learning and what the heck should I demand perfection in a thing like that, to begin with?
But hey, that is me and how I feel.
I honestly don’t know where this mindset came from, I just know that I expect to be the best in every thing I enroll, in every thing I do. And I also know that I have to change this pattern asap. Because if I don’t, I will keep falling in this same vortex where anytime I realize I am not the absolute best (and that will happen a lot), that I don’t perform well or there is someone who is doing better than me I will keep on feeling frustrated, disappointed, bad and sad. Down. This feeling keeps me from enjoying what I am doing and sometimes can even pushing me away from something that I am supposed to be doing anyways.
It is good to know that. So I can persist even feeling bad, sad, down.
And do you know what? I think this mindset is totally supported by my saboteur self. Because in a way, that is what I am doing. Just to set that high expectations to myself is a sabotaging factor.
Again, it is good to know and realize all of those things, but since those things are not rational emotions and feelings, rationalize it is not gonna help me. I have to go through a different path to revert it. What exactly? Not sure yet. But I will keep my self opened, conscious and receptive to an answer. In silence. Just listening