For the last few days every time I sit down to blog (here and at my other blogs Been Caught Styling), blank is all I see in mind. I cannot think of any subject that I want to write about. And yes, I have a pretty long list of possible topics, but the thing is I don’t feel inspired to write about anything that is on those lists. And because of it, I don’t. It feels like no words are coming to me to write. It is a total and honest blank.
The same happens with my other writings: a screenplay and a book. But here the case is even deeper and more complex. Here I keep on postponing to write because I am terrified to do so. And I can feel it in my bones. It is not only a blank feeling, although it is also. Because every time I consider writing I think it will not be good enough, that my writing sucks, that I will never be able to put into words this story that is playing on my mind nicely for months… And yes, I do think I have a pretty good story. For both cases. And still… here I am stuck, paralyzed, not going anywhere.
And yes, I do have this love-hate feeling when the subject is writing. It is something I would love to do but perfectly and I hate because I always feel it is not going to be good enough, because every time I write, it is not as good as I thought it should be. The process is a struggle. It is never enjoyable and sometimes, I don’t even know how I came up writing something after all. I am that messy.
15 years ago I started blogging on Men’s Style. It was a subject I was passionate about and the fact that I was going to blog every single day made me thought this was the perfect way for me to unblock my writer’s block state of mind. And then finally I would overcome my writing fear and give voice to my stories at last. I blogged for 11 years, every day, basically. And yet, no book or screenplay was written. That never helped me, au contraire, just kept me away from it. What a surprise.
And here I am again, blogging as my way to attempt to make peace with my writing once again so I could finally write my stories and yet… not a single word was typed. Not a surprise.
Repeating patterns is not a new thing for me. Breaking them it is. And that is my goal here. Because deep inside I feel that I need to voice my stories, give life to my screenplay and books. That is what I am suppose to be doing. That is my bliss.
Even if deep inside I do believe I might suck on that.