It can be very convenient going through Menopause (Perimenopause, Menopause or even Post-Menopause) single and pretty much alone. It can because one of the side effects of Menopause is
an extremely almost non existent low libido, which makes sex and romance rank pretty low in our list of priorities. So, considering it, being alone is actually a blessing, cause you don’t have another thing to spend your already low energy on. And let’s face it, having to deal with a partner, old or new, during Menopause can be a very draining experience to say the least.
So, if you want to stay single during this period, it is perfectly okay. And you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Au contraire. Give yourself this time alone to figure out what you can do to go through this Meno Hell in a smoother way, to fix what is bugging you, to heal yourself. Stay alone. Stay cool. Have your back. You can make through it.
And yes, getting better is something achievable. I know that it might look like otherwise, but it is. That is what I did, by the way. And successfully. And I have no regrets in doing so. The way I did. Prioritizing myself and giving me all the time, self-care, self-love, self-compassion, self-support I could. Because I definitely needed it. So, this time alone was very helpful and a time that I could reconnect all my selves and to myself. I wouldn’t do differently if I could.
And as I just said, eventually I got much better from my Meno Hell. So well that I started to feel myself again after a long time of self-absence. Woo-hoo. And I started to miss having someone in my life as well. It just came naturally to me. At its own time, I guess.
So, I was ready to let my frozen heart melt.
But things are never that simple, although they should be. It had been such a long time since I went on a date that I had no idea what to do and if I would be able to go through it all once again. You know, all the dating process. Plus I felt like a virgin teenager who had just started dating… with more wrinkles and an injured knee. But still, very much wanting that experience.
Or maybe, what I really wanted was to skip the whole dating thing and go straight to finding someone to be in love with and live happily ever after. Like magic.
Back then I was still a little bit lazy due Menopause and the whole she bangs so all I wanted was an easy time.
And less work.
But that is not how things work, right? So If I want to get me a romance I had to go back to the basics and started to date again.
So I did.
Although naively I thought that the time I spend in New York, a city full of people and good looking dudes, a city that inspire me to go out and be out there and everywhere would be per se a great opportunity to get myself a date organically, that never happened. If you look around the city, there are a lot of possible interesting men to meet in New York crossing your way around town. However 99% of them are hooked in the their cellphone universe. They only have eyes and ears to what is going on there. And because of that, even your Whole Foods trip cannot convert in any dates.
And yes, I don’t know whether or not you have heard of it, but people usually consider Whole Foods or any market an actually good place to meet possible candi-dates. Organically. So, if that is what you are considering first, to see how it goes, include markets on your list.
The 1% who is not dragged into their phones are nut cases or the ones who never cross your way, if you want to know.
So, how on Earth I managed to score a date after all?
Anyways, as I said, organically was not happening for me. So I decided to try the modern date way: the app game. And I did because I kept hearing from people of any age that the only way to get a date these days are through apps. So I gave it a shot. But it took me a while to dive in to that experience. Because at first I was very cautious, not very sure whether or not I really wanted to join this whole app dating thing. Due to a bad rep, at least in my mind. Although I must confess that I do know a lovely couple who met through Tinder… Anyways, regardless, I honestly thought I would only meet douche dudes or something like it so I was not very keen to engage in this whole app dating. Plus, for me, chatting online was a completely turn off. Therefore, a virtual hello would never lead me to a good talk, much less convert in a date. As it never did. Cause I am a woman who likes a good eye on eye chat over a meal or a drink. I need to feel the person’s energy up close and personal. Not virtually. That is me.
Taking things to real life pretty soon. Okay, a good opening to a conversation helped but what really closed the deal was a straightforward invitation for a coffee or a drink from a dude I liked the bio. And the photo helped a little bit too. That simple.
Cause as I found out, there is actually nothing wrong in accepting an invitation to know each other over a drink or a meal and chat in person. Some men are just like me and don’t do that well chatting online. So we proceed as we would if we had crossed each other on any given street. In real life you just meet someone casually and then you set a date to see what happens, if we connect.
And with that in mind, in a row I got myself 4 dates. Not kidding. The dates turned out to be actually pretty good.
To my surprise, the whole experience was not exhausting as I was anticipating. It was actually fun. And I had a great time. And this is coming from a person who truly considered not showing up for my first date as I was walking towards the place we were going to meet because I thought it would be a waste of time, he would be creepy or boring or whatever. It turned out not being the case at all. And it would be a shame cause I really liked this dude. And we are kind of dating.
So that was my story. And there are a few tips I would like to share with you so your app dating experience can be as good as mine when you are ready to date again. Take a note:
- First you have to be opened to that experience.
- So your heart. Those are the two things that will put you through it. Nothing will happen, at least not nicely, until you are opened to it. Seriously.
- Find dating apps that you like. Tinder, Ok Cupid, Match etc. Explore the possibilities. My favorite is Ok Cupid, so you know. And the first time I have heard about this app was from a decor blog post from a couple who got together from Ok Cupid. So I thought this one could be it. And it was, btw.
- Take time to answer all the questions if the app has them (and the good ones do have) and be truthful to it. Not only about yourself but about who you want to meet. Be completely honest. Don’t try to impress. Let all be about you. So you can attract and connect to that person who wants to connect with your truly self.
- You can ask a good friend who knows you too well to help you to write your bio if you have a hard time to find the words to express who you are.
- Put a nice picture of yourself out there. It doesn’t need to be photoshoped (and it shouldn’t). Just pick the best one you can take.
- Don’t take too long to answer the chats. And if you are like me and doesn’t like to chat online, you can move things to real life quickly. But if you are not like me and want to get to know someone online first and then decide if you want to meet this person in person, then take your time. But put some effort in engaging in the conversation. Don’t let it die. Keep it alive. And kicking. And when you feel you are ready, you can suggest a meeting.
- And you can also hit on them. You don’t have to wait for men to find you. If you like someone, start a conversation. How? How do you usually start to talk to someone you just met? And if you don’t have an answer to it, take this note: good way to start a conversation is to point out something about the person that you read in his bio. Like his job, one of his interests, some thing you have in common, some thing you are curious about… Usually the bio/the profile should be a good source of possible topics to talk. Be interested in knowing about him and his life. Ask questions. I read somewhere I don’t remember where that a way to look like you are an interesting person is being interested. Plus this is going to be a good source of information to keep your conversation going when you meet him for real, in person. Always rely on his bio for keeping the conversation going.
- And yes, read the bios. Fully before you start talking to the person. It is a must. I know that most people there just look to the pictures and that is it. If you are there to just have sex with someone, that could be enough. But if you are there to start a relationship with someone then yes, you must read the bio. Fully. Actually, for me, even if it was just for sex, I would read the bio. After all, I am that kind of person who gets turned on by someone’s brain, personality, sense of humor not much by his looks. So, bio is very important for me.
- And if there is a guy out there you like you can invite him to have a coffee or a drink or a meal with you. You don’t have to wait for him to make a move on you. Unless waiting resonates more with the person you are. Then, wait. Being yourself is the most important thing here. Don’t ever feel bad about who you are. There are a lot of people who are looking for someone just like you out there. Bare that in mind.
- And when things move to real life… pick as your first date location some public place like a coffee shop or a restaurant or a calm bar. It has to be a place you can talk to get to know each other. Not a loud one. It can be for a morning coffee or tea, a lunch, for a happy hour drinks, dinner or even for a brunch. Brunch is my favorite by the way. You can also go for a park or beach walk. Just make sure it is a place with people so you will not be alone with him in your first date. At least not until you make up your mind about him. Inviting him to your place? Or going to his place? Too soon for a first date with a guy you met online. First meet somewhere public and see how it goes.
- Regarding the outfit for this first date… Pick an outfit that you love, looks good on you, feels good on you, favors you, it is very much you and above all, it feels comfortable. Unless you are a sexy siren you don’t need to wear something sexy, showing off your curves or a cleavage or your legs. Especially if you don’t feel comfy wearing such clothes. Don’t wear anything to impress. Just be yourself. The best version of yourself but in a low key mode. This is a first date and you want the man to know you. So you don’t need to distract him from that. And yes, dress accordingly to the place you are going to. It can be a no-brainer outfit, a blouse and jeans and boots. Or a dress and a sandal and a cozy shawl. I will make a post with some ideas later on so I can help you on that. Promise. Update: Fulfilled. Here is the post.
- If by any chance you have a hot flush during your first date or a second or a third, you don’t need to feel embarrassed about it. It is part of Menopause. You can see that as an opportunity to let him know you are Menopausal or if you think it is too early to bring that up you can wait till it goes away as if nothing is happening while you drink some cold water and remove that extra layer (if you still have that one) to cool down. If you feel too uncomfortable with your hot flushes, just excuse yourself and go to the restroom. No biggie.
- You can tell a friend you are going on a date and if it doesn’t go well you can ask her to call for an emergency or something. But honestly, if you are not enjoying the date you can simply be honest and say ok, time to go and I don’t think we connected or we are a match but it was nice meeting you, nevertheless. If you didn’t like the date, let him know there will be no second date. It is better to put an end to some thing you don’t want to start rather than leave it opened to his interpretation.
- But if you did like him and the date, so let him know you had a good time. And exchange whatsapp or phone numbers if you haven’t already. And set a next date. Place, time and location. At the end. So you won’t be wondering whether or not he will contact you again to schedule that.
- And yes, you can contact him if he doesn’t. To confirm the date or set one if you haven’t already.
- Let the pressure go away. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just have your back. And have fun.
And if things don’t go too well, well, it happens. Just don’t let it curb your reborn enthusiasm. If you do you can prevent yourself to have some fun dates ahead and even find that someone who are looking for.