Reiki And My Journey Back To Energy

The very first time I tried Reiki was probably in my 20s. I was feeling lost, drained, with no energy to live. It felt as if I only had a few drops of fuel to go on. Maybe an early side effect from my back then unknown B12 deficiency already kicking in or due to my empathic ability that is draining on its own. Who knows? In any case, I looked for some energy therapy and Reiki was the one that resonated with me. I found a really nice holistic therapist in Rio de Janeiro and had my first of my many sessions. I really love it and felt it was helping me. That is why I kept on going, it was the right thing for me. Some sessions were just relaxing others more emotional. But always insightful and warming. In my way.

Image by Bettina Dohse from Pixabay.

Back then my therapist was starting to work with another holistic therapy: Qi-Gong. And she started to train me on that as well. And since I responded so well and like it very much, I started to practice Qi-Gong with her and stopped my Reiki sessions. And again, it was the right thing for me at the right time, as Reiki had been so far. And that is how I went from Reiki, a holistic therapy where the practitioner channels the Universal energy and through it heals and restore ours to Qi-Gong, an alchemist practice to transform and cultivate our own energy.

And I have been practicing Qi-Gong basically daily from then on.

And before I go any further let me point this out: I am very grateful for those both practices for restoring my energy and for putting me in this amazing spiritual, self-discovering journey. It was the first time I felt I was really going to this energy path. Because for me everything is energy. And energy for me is not something abstract, it is very concrete. It is something I can sense and feel inside, around, every where. And it is so real for me that I can almost touch it. Energy is what we are, it is what connect or repel us to one another. Now writing about it I feel as if I should meditate on this subject because it is something that speak immensely to me.

But going back to Reiki… for many years I stuck with Qi-Gong only. But some times I felt a desire to take a Reiki session. Or two. Because it was something that spoke to me. And in some way, Reiki stuck with me ever since. Even when I was not taking any sessions.

Then, some years later, when I was spending some time in New York 3 or 4 years ago, in my 40s, I had this feeling that I should retry yoga. For many years I thought yoga was not for me and ignore it completely. So I was looking for yoga places near my neighborhood, my beloved Greenpoint and saw that in one of them, at the Awakening Studio, they had something called Restorative Yoga with Reiki. Immediately I loved the idea and decided to try. And guess what? I absolutely loved it. It was relaxing, resting, warming, restoring… What I needed it. I felt hugged by this glowing energy. And so, the whole time I was in NY I took this Restorative Yoga with Reiki class. I loved the instructor, Nicole and I was so impressed by her energy and her warming hands… She is an amazing healer and an inspiration for me. And they made my reencounter with Reiki even more special.

So next year when I returned to NY, obviously that I took her Restorative classes AND her Reiki level 1 course. Because I had to. And that is how I became a Reiki practitioner myself. I took it first and foremost to heal myself. Back then I was beginning to feel better again from my now discovered B12 deficiency. And I was doing everything I could to restore my health to its optimum self: Meditation, Yoga, Qi-Gong, eating nutrients, supplementing, detoxifying, keeping myself away the most I could from toxins, Body Talk… things like that. And it was working. Slowly and steadily but working.

My Reiki level 1 experience was very smooth. But quite warming. I loved giving Reiki to myself every single day. I felt I was caressing my soul, taking care of my whole body. After a long time kind of numb to this whole energy thing due to my hell moments during my B12 deficiency, I was feeling this thing called energy in a more concrete way again. Actually, the only thing I felt during my attunement was a lot of energy flowing through my hands. I didn’t have any a-ha moment or anything like that. Just energy flowing in my hands.

I never actually gave Reiki to anyone else in my level 1. I didn’t feel ready for it. And I am quite shy about it. But I was my own client. And a very needy one. hehehe

Anyways, one year later when I returned to NY I took my Reiki level 2 with Nicole again. And it was pretty intense. First it was only me and somebody else who had experienced the same B12 deficiency ordeal. We basically went through the same exactly hell. What the odds? And on its own it was an amazing encounter. During my attunement all I felt was a lot of energy in my crown.

But it didn’t end there. Afterwards, through the following week, it was pretty intense. Maybe because I decided to start Kundalini yoga classes at the same time. I don’t know. All I know is that it amplified the whole she-bangs. I felt as if my crown had expanded and there was so much light coming from it or towards it… It felt inebriated with all this renew energy in me. I felt as if I was giving my first steps back towards myself. Slowly but steadily. And after a rollercoaster of emotions, for the first time in a very long time I felt unapologetic happy for a long while. And I enjoyed every moment of it.

So many great things happened to me after that. Like I finally got back to the dating action. And even managed to melt my frozen heart. Something I thought as an impossible thing to happen. Obviously I had some set backs and problems to deal with it. Life as usual. Actually, at the moment I am going through a really dark phase in my life where I feel that a lot has to fall apart so I can start to rebuild my life as the life I should be living and deserve. With my own dreams, bliss, values… I know I still have a long journey ahead, but up to this point, I am so grateful for this reconnection, to be myself again and feel as such… This is truly priceless. And for that I am forever grateful.

And yes, I had a few Reiki clients but I am still my biggest client. Plus I am still shy about it. I am not very good in marketing myself. But I am learning. And yes, as I said, right now I am in a dark phase. I am not even seeing some light at the end of the tunnel yet. But I have faith that at the end everything will be okay. I am trusting the Universe. And because of this dark moment I feel even shier to offer Reiki. Even knowing in my core and by my experience that when I give Reiki I am a channel to connect the Universal energy with the client’s energy and let the heal and restore happen. I am not giving my energy, I am just a tube, a vessel to the Universal energy. It is the Universal energy taking control and care of it all. And as an empathic, I love it.

Still, I feel a bit self-conscious about it. Although deep inside I am dying to give Reiki again. And maybe that is what I should be doing, especially at this moment. Because when I give Reiki, I feel so empty and at the same time so fulfilled. It is like giving Reiki to myself at some other level. A magical level. And maybe that is what I need at this moment in my dark phase: some magic.

The Moon Inspiring Me

The amazing glowing moon. Now I know why I have been sleeping with no curtains…

Today I woke up around 3:30. Nothing new since usually I tend to wake up around 2:30 or 3:30 and then I go back to sleep. True that sometimes I am not able to go back and sleep again. Menopause side effect in full force. It still happens, but not that frequently anymore. 🙏 Anyways, the view from my bed when I opened my eyes (and removed my sleeping mask) was this gorgeous, glowing full moon. Looking bright, shining, so close yet so far. She was staring at me, smiling at me, bathing me, watching over me. That was the feeling. I felt embraced, taken care of, caressed. At the same time I was amazed by the beauty and the power of nature, of our lovely Universe.

I inhale deeply that view of this beautiful and bold moon and I could not help but put a huge smile on my face, on my soul. It uplifted me, unexpectedly. It gave me a sense of hope, a sense of everything is gonna be alright if not now, eventually. Because little things in life can make a difference. Just like that, just like magic if we open up ourselves to it. Beauty and hope are everywhere, in everything around us. We just have to see it with a fresh, early morning eyes.

It Is Okay Not To Be Okay

Because sometimes, that is how we are all gonna feel. Regardless what the feeds we follow on Social Media are telling us. Nobody is happy and enjoying life all the frakking time. Some times we are simply not okay. And it is okay to feel that way.

Image by Foundry Co from Pixabay.

Some times we are not okay for something simple and minor like a bad hair day, but other times we are not okay for something deeper and sadder like grieving or losing a job… Other times are for some thing in between. It really doesn’t matter the reason or how deep or shallow it is.

What truly matters is to mantra this: It is okay not to be okay. Trust me. We are allow to it. After all we are humans not superheroes. And we don’t even have to hide it from the world as if it is something that only happens to us or something we should feel ashamed for it. Cause we know, it doesn’t and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Right? Right?

Damn right!

Every now and then and all over again, I feel that way too. I have ups and downs, highs and lows and some times it can be a huge fall. That kind that keeps in the low place for a while. I feel like a mess inside out, outside in. Oh, how I crave to go back to my okay place… And usually there is nothing that I can do to reset my mood that quick. By magic? Never works. Hehehe All I can humanly do is to take some time out there, in there, let it be, embrace it, have my back, keep on breathing and just wait for the next day….

Or days… Cause it will go away. And I know it. Or at least will become bearable soon. And when it does I hope I got the message this time: learn from it and learn to appreciate, value, treasure and enjoy even more my OK moments. Like never before. And let things flow knowing that another not OK moment will come and it is totally okay. Cause I will be okay. Eventually. Again.

And yes, sometimes not being okay will require an extra help. From someone, a friend, a psychologist, a psychiatric, a holistic therapist… and that is okay too. Remember? We are not superheroes, we are just humans with all sort of moments. With ups and downs, highs and lows. Reach for help. We are not here to deal with everything, all the time, by ourselves. Some times, we will need assistance. From others. And it is okay too. This will not make any less of anyone. Au contraire. It requires a lot of bravery to reach out for that help when we need.

Plus, even Batman needs Robin, every now and then…

Sometimes OutLiving Can Be Hard

Almost 20 years ago, I lost my brother to an unexpected pulmonary embolism. He was only 28. Last year I lost one of my best friends to cancer. It was a brave and painful battle. She was only 46.

Grace, my dear friend, always smiling to life. 💜

My brother and my friend never knew each other, but they both shared one thing in common: they were both full of life. They were both that kind of person that you could say they knew how to live. Oh, yeah, they did! And they enjoyed every single moment of it. Life for them was precious and treasured. A joy, an on going party or celebration. A means to experience different things. Some times not that easy, but always worth living.

When I had to deal with their losses I could not help but to wonder why life ended so soon for them. Why two people who actually exhale life and enjoyed so much being alive had to die while I, a person who seems to struggle with every breathe I take, am still here, not living but just surviving. I know it is never fair to compare and that the neighbor’s grass is always greener, but it is such a brutal contrast that it is unavoidable. Why someone like me is still here and they are not? How come?

And no, I haven’t come up with an answer yet but right now I am guessing I am still here because I have a lesson or two to learn on how to live and enjoy every single moment of it. A lesson in how to enjoy the strawberries, lemons and the blueberries. A lesson to treasure my experiences and make the most of each one of them. A lesson to enjoy living, not only surviving.

It must be it. It could only be it.


When You Have To Write And Blank Is All You See, AKA My Writing Dilemma

For the last few days every time I sit down to blog (here and at my other blogs Been Caught Styling), blank is all I see in mind. I cannot think of any subject that I want to write about. And yes, I have a pretty long list of possible topics, but the thing is I don’t feel inspired to write about anything that is on those lists. And because of it, I don’t. It feels like no words are coming to me to write. It is a total and honest blank.

Image by rawpixel from Pixabay.

The same happens with my other writings: a screenplay and a book. But here the case is even deeper and more complex. Here I keep on postponing to write because I am terrified to do so. And I can feel it in my bones. It is not only a blank feeling, although it is also. Because every time I consider writing I think it will not be good enough, that my writing sucks, that I will never be able to put into words this story that is playing on my mind nicely for months… And yes, I do think I have a pretty good story. For both cases. And still… here I am stuck, paralyzed, not going anywhere.

And yes, I do have this love-hate feeling when the subject is writing. It is something I would love to do but perfectly and I hate because I always feel it is not going to be good enough, because every time I write, it is not as good as I thought it should be. The process is a struggle. It is never enjoyable and sometimes, I don’t even know how I came up writing something after all. I am that messy.

15 years ago I started blogging on Men’s Style. It was a subject I was passionate about and the fact that I was going to blog every single day made me thought this was the perfect way for me to unblock my writer’s block state of mind. And then finally I would overcome my writing fear and give voice to my stories at last. I blogged for 11 years, every day, basically. And yet, no book or screenplay was written. That never helped me, au contraire, just kept me away from it. What a surprise.

And here I am again, blogging as my way to attempt to make peace with my writing once again so I could finally write my stories and yet… not a single word was typed. Not a surprise.

Repeating patterns is not a new thing for me. Breaking them it is. And that is my goal here. Because deep inside I feel that I need to voice my stories, give life to my screenplay and books. That is what I am suppose to be doing. That is my bliss.

Even if deep inside I do believe I might suck on that.